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We’ll Look Back and Laugh

March 23, 2015

As Duane went to bed that night he had nothing on his mind but getting a much needed good night’s sleep. However, his wife Sandra had other things on her mind that night, she had just turned eight months pregnant, and she just couldn’t sleep. Sandra, whose motto is “always be prepared,” decided to check her suitcase once again before heading to bed to make sure she had everything she needed ready to go to the hospital.

Although Duane was as excited as Sandra was about the couple having their first baby, he was beginning to feel the strain of doing so much. Each day, for the past two months, after his ten hour shifts were done at work, he came home to cook and clean for his wife. Six months into the pregnancy early labor pains had landed Sandra in the hospital for the second time. Her discharge instructions… bed rest until it’s time to deliver. Now, eight months into the pregnancy they were both feeling anxious, and already prepared for the new addition to arrive. Yet, Duane and his wife were both about to discover that their best plans and preparation could not help them for what came next.

Around 3:30 in the morning Sandra felt the intense urge to go pee. She waddled over to the bathroom, leaving her husband sleeping soundly on their bed, and in the process, wet her underwear. Muttering under her breath, she sat on the toilet, but nothing happened. This had happened before, so she stocked a bathroom drawer with extra underwear to change into. Mobility with a huge belly was a challenging issue, and since the bathroom became her new best friend, it was just as easy to have underwear ready in the drawer. Urine incontinence was just another gracious gift of pregnancy.

After changing her wet underwear, she stood… and wet her underwear again! Muttering even more under her breath at not being able to control her bladder, Sandra sat down on the toilet again, and again nothing happened. For the third time her bladder proceeded to ignore her attempts to sit at the toilet, and instead opted to leak every time she stood up. Frustrated with her inability to hold her liquids in, she stepped into the tub to shower off… it was 3:50am.

Almost immediately after stepping under the warm water of the shower, a chunk of bloody mucous slipped down from between her legs. As she stood there bewildered staring at it on the shower floor, Sandra abruptly realized what had just happened. A sudden nervous sensation crept up on her, and before she had too much time to panic, a rush of hot liquid spilled down her legs.

In preparation for the coming labor, Duane had placed large easy to read clocks in both the bathroom, and bedroom. The final instructions from the nurse practitioner were very clear… start timing the contractions as soon as they begin. Once the contractions were at least ten minutes apart, they were to head to the hospital immediately. All paperwork at the hospital had been signed, and completed. Everything was ready when the time came. Sandra’s heart was racing as she glanced up at the clock while gripping the edge of the tub as the first wave of labor pains nearly brought her to her knees. As the contraction subsided she quickly dressed, and immediately called out to her husband.

It was 4:00am as Duane was awakened from a very relaxing sleep by his nervous wife.

“Honey wake up! My water broke, and I just had a contraction!”

“Are you sure?” he asked, still not fully awake.

“Yes! I thought I peed myself, but while I was taking a shower to clean off, that plug thing came out, and I realized my water… aaaaaahhhhhhh!” Sandra’s explanation was interrupted, as the second contraction hit… 4:03am.

“Ok, I’m coming, hang on” said Duane, as he quickly dressed in time for the next contraction to hit. His wife barely catching her breath before the next contraction hit at 4:05am. “I thought there was supposed to be a long space between the contractions when they first start? Why are they so close?” asked Sandra as she took a deep breath when the pain subsided.

Duane grabbed the packed bag, and the baby carrier, as they hurried out the door. Another labor pain hit, and he carried his wife for the remaining steps of the staircase to the sidewalk in front of their apartment. As he gently set her down, she immediately went down on her hands and knees yelling out in pain; the cold sidewalk offering some relief as she pressed her belly into it. “It’s four in the morning, you’re gonna wake the neighbors!” Duane said somewhat jokingly.

“I don’t care about the neighbors right now” she said before yelling in the midst of the labor pains, and as she gasped for air between contractions. He put the bags in the car, and helped her in. Unable to sit on the long bench seat of the old Buick, Sandra raised up on her hands and knees with her feet pressed against the closed door while another wave of pain gripped her body.

Duane realizes they must hurry to the hospital as quickly as possible, when he suddenly remembers. Oh no! He proceeded to inform his wife that he didn’t put gas in the car the night before and they need to get gas! “I cannot believe that you didn’t get gas!” his normally mild mannered patient wife lost it, and gave him an earful, literally yelling in his ear as another labor pain ripped through her.

As Duane drove to the gas station with his loving wife fussing about his error in judgment, he realized… this was not a good time to respond. After pumping the gas, and getting back in the car, Sandra momentarily done with yelling from labor pains, informs her husband, “honey, I think I’m gonna be sick!” Relieved she stopped yelling, but still feeling guilty about the gas mishap, Duane tells his wife who is still on her hands and knees in the front seat of the car, “just turn the other way and throw up, I’ll clean it up later!”

Now with enough gas in the car, fresh vomit on the floor mat of the front seat of his well kept 81 Chevy Malibu Classic our nervous expectant parents rush off in the early morning hours to have their first child! Already speeding Duane once again angers his wife, as he is about to stop at a red light. “I know you aren’t stopping at that light!?!?” his loving wife asked, with a rather threatening tone in her voice. Duane begins running all red lights and remarkably makes it to the hospital in no time, without being pulled over by the police, after his unfortunate gas mishap. His beautiful wife yelling out of the car window as they made their way to hospital.

As Duane drove into the parking lot by the E.R. entrance, he quickly parked, and helped his hurting wife out of the car. Once again, she went down on her hands and knees allowing the coolness of the pavement to relieve the labor pains tearing her in half.  He is about to pick up and carry his wife into the hospital, when she yells out in pain for him to find someone!

The sleep deprived, nervous husband runs to the E.R. automatic doors, and just happens to run upon a police officer and hospital transporter standing there smoking cigarettes. Unable to articulate what exactly he needed, Duane is about to try to ask for help, when Sandra is heard screaming in the background! Duane then calmly explains “yea, that’s my wife, we’re having our baby!!!”

Upon hearing that scream, the policeman and the transporter jump into action and quickly get out a wheelchair from inside the automatic doors and before Duane could say anything more they rush to her aid. Unable to stand, she grabbed the ankles of the men now standing directly over her, and she tightens her grip as another wave of pain hit her body. The two men quickly get Sandra off the ground, in the wheelchair and up the elevator! In their haste, Duane’s foot is accidentally ran over with his wife’s wheelchair!

Not wanting to complain he simply limps off the elevator, trying to keep up with the nurses who quickly wheeled his wife into a nearby room. As his wife is hastily helped out of her clothes and into a gown, one of the nurses informs the other women in the room that there is no time for an epidural, “it’s a boy and he’s breach!” Duane, not knowing what any of that meant, simply focused on how in the hell the nurse who he had never met before knew his wife was having a boy?

What Duane eventually figured out was that his wife’s hard contractions had caused her to push. In fact, she was actively pushing the entire time in the car, on the way to the gas station, as well as on the way to the hospital. His baby boy was coming out “butt first” into the world, and no one could stop him now!

This was only a small portion of what Duane didn’t know, but was about to find out. As the nurses hustled to get Sandra ready for the final push our astute first time father left with nothing else to do decided to pick up his wife’s clothes from the floor, only to have several perfectly round little poop balls fall out from his wife’s underwear!!!

As all of the commotion of his wife giving birth to their first child continued on, Duane was focused on trying to pick up the embarrassing poop balls from off of the floor before anyone can see them!!! He was successful in picking up 2 of them, when he had to turn momentarily only to discover that someone stepped on the last one before he could retrieve it! This didn’t deter Duane who only had his wife’s honor in mind when he took the time to covertly scrap up the now smashed ball of poop before anyone could notice!

Remember people, regardless of how ridiculous this sounds, this is in fact based on a true story! The husband’s name has been changed to protect the innocent!!! As surreal as the entire moment seemed to him, at the time, he had to assure himself that it was actually happening to him, and not merely some scene from the craziest zaniest film about giving birth that he had seen before.

At 4:38am their baby boy was officially born!

As his wife showed all the anguish of delivering a “frank breach” boy on her face, Duane was about to fully take in all of the ramifications of that type of delivery as he surveyed the vaginal tearing it did to his wife. He thought for a moment to ask the doctor if he was going to be able to fix that, before he realized how insensitive his attempt to be funny would have been in that moment! As he held his new born baby, the nurses and staff affectionately nick-named “speedy” due to his insistence on coming early!

Duane was once again taken from calm to crazy, as he saw what he thought was another baby coming out. Sandra, seeing the look on his face, whispered “honey, that’s the placenta, we only had one baby.” This funny moment seemed to get Sandra back to her normal self, as she tried to apologize for yelling previously. Duane, still not fully coherent, tells her that there was no need to apologize. “Honey, but I puked in the car!” she explained. He grimaced, as he had nearly forgotten about that one issue in the midst of dealing with everything that had transpired during that 38 minute period that seemed to have lasted much longer!

As Duane held his tired wife’s hand, while watching their new born baby boy being cleaned, and placed in the warm new born bed, he finally took stock of all that had happened that morning. One morning, that he knew, they would never ever forget. I’m sure one day we will look back on all the incredibly ridiculous stuff that actually happened the morning we had our first born, and have a good laugh!


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